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Pssst…DAD

Debra Totton
09 May 2015
Blog, Parenting
Comments: 0
appreciation, Dad, gratitude, kids, love, Mother's Day, Parenting, teens

I have a secret I’d like to share with you.

father-342498_1280Do you get frustrated helping your kids shop for Mother’s Day?

Tired of the seemingly ungratefulness of your children?

Sad that you are not being credited with rearing awesome kids?

If you answered yes to any of these questions read on.

For full disclosure you need to know this plan will take a commitment from you for and entire year.  In this year you will be creating the ultimate Mother’s Day gift and teaching your child appreciation for even the smallest thing and changing a “give me” attitude to a heart of gratitude.

Here are the steps.

1.  Purchase a notebook or journal that has at least 190-370 pages in it for each of your children.  Young kids may need less pages while older kids can use more especially if they love to write.

2.  The day after Mother’s Day meet with each child and give them the journal.

3.  Tell each child to leave the first two pages empty and then each day they will be writing something that they noticed about mom or what mom did that made them feel good.

4.  Help them write their first entry.  So steps 2-4 are done the day after Mother’s Day.  Remember to start on page three.

5.  Each night make sure they have made an entry.

6.  At the end of the year the day before Mother’s Day, help them to write an introduction to the journal on those first two pages.  If the introduction is only one page, use the second page for a photo or a drawing.

7.  Help them wrap it and watch mom’s face as she reads how her loving deeds are noticed, appreciated and helped impact her children’s lives.

Through this process you will probably see a thankful, grateful heart developing in your children.

Let me know how this works for you.

You are beautiful

Debra Totton
01 Dec 2014
General
Comments: 0
aging, beauty, calimesa, counseling, mom, self esteem
family-515530_640

You are beautiful

Let’s get real for a moment.  I panicked, oh yes I did.

I was getting ready for work and decided to check my face using the mirror that magnifies 10 times.  I was specifically trying to see if I had unwanted hair growing on my upper lip *wink*.  To my utter amazement I saw brown spots and spider veins…on my face!
This is where I began to panic and my stream of thought went something like  this.   “What if one of my kids gets married and I look Old?  Wait what?  Remember when you were 40 years old and you saw your mom’s legs peeking out from under my dress?  Oh yeah, and when I turned 50 my mom’s hands were attached to my wrists?”

Then I had a memory of how I sat beside my mom and gently stroke the back of her hands because the skin was so soft.  I savored the memory for a little while.

Peace slowly settled into my spirit as I looked again.  I have earned every spot and every spider vein as it is evidence that I played outdoors with my children.  I went hiking and backpacking with them as teens and young adults.  I smiled, remembering fun and happy times.

So mom, look again.  Do not notice every imperfection on your body or face, think of why you have them.  Ponchy belly? You gave birth to your child. Wrinkles around the eyes?  You were laughing and smiling at the beautiful things your child, teen, adult does.  A little overweight?  It was so wonderful to have a mom that cooks great meals to feed those hungry teens.

These imperfections are a map to remind you of beautiful, life changing moments.  I am here to remind all of us that we are beautiful!

The Journey of Growth

Debra Totton
29 May 2013
General
Comments: 0
Changes, Debra J. Totton LCSW, Discouragement, Grace, growth, hope, Therapy

Everything was ready.  Another therapist would be seeing my clients.  My surgeon was confident.  I was excited that I would be walking within two to four weeks without limping or pain in the knee.  On May 25, 2012 my life changed.  Rather than a simple meniscus repair my “hoffa pad” had to be trimmed down due to impingement.  I was one of the few who had nerve disruption and an increase in swelling due to my body’s reaction to the anti-inflammatory.  I had lost control of my days and life.  This has been a long year of physical therapy, acupressure, stretching and icing.  Sometimes I managed this ordeal with grace.  Other times I slipped into discouragement.  But quitting was not an option.

As I struggled with my knee journey I was a participant in helping my clients struggle in their personal growth journey as well.

Just as I thought I was going in for a simple repair, some people come in to the therapy office confident if they could just get this one thing in their life straightened out life would be perfect.  Many times that one little thing is symptomatic of a deeper issue.  Together we team up to clean out or discard negative patterns or abusive self talk.

Homework is given to exercise and strengthen the changes that are occurring inside.  Progress is measured and recorded.  Sometimes the changes are celebrated and sometimes it may feel as if no progress is being made.  Remember just coming takes courage.

Then suddenly there is a breakthrough and what felt like pain with every step is no longer.  You may discover that you begin to see your life differently.  For everyone who is currently in the process of growth, don’t give up!  Keep moving forward with hope in your heart and a life of possibilities dancing in your head!

What your kids want you to know

Debra Totton
30 Mar 2012
General
Comments: 0
abandonment, children, Communication, Debra J. Totton LCSW, divorce, fighting, love, Parenting, respect, teens

Over the years I have seen many children and teens of divorced parents.  I have observed that many times the divorce does not stop the parental fights.  In the chaos of the divorce many parents forget that the primary concern is now their children.  So I have decided to share what many kids want you to know.

1.  Do not use me to get back at each other.

2.  I am not your message machine you need to talk to each other.  And I don’t understand your adult problems.

3.  Do not abandon me.

4.   Let me talk with my other parent.  By withholding I will eventually resent you.

5.  Do not scream or fight as you did when you were married.   You are divorced now, shouldn’t the fighting be over?

6.  Please include me in your new family.  Don’t replace me.  Talk to me about my life that may be separate from your life.

7.  Please love me even if I remind you of your ex.  I have both of your genes.

8.  Be involved in my school activities, sports and competitions.  Even if your ex is there, remember I am the one who needs you there.

9.  It is nice to receive gifts but it would be awesome if I knew it was not because you feel guilty or want me to side with you.

10.  Respect your ex for my sake.  It is embarrassing when you involve my teacher, coach, doctor, dentist and family with your negativity about my mom/dad.  Do you want me to grow up bitter like you are behaving?

 

What your children want is consistent, trusting, respectful, loving parents who stay connected and involved with them.  They still want to be your children.

Oh No

Debra Totton
29 Feb 2012
Communication
Comments: 2
children, children and grief, Communication, Debra J. Totton LCSW, grief

It happened again!  Somehow my blog for January just disappeared.  Poof it is out there somewhere floating on the super highway called the Internet.  Did I do what my 24 year old said to do and back it up?  Nope, I did not.  Did I write it in a document first and then transfer it over here?  Ummm, NO!  Why am I discussing this on my blog?  It is quite simple really I am having a grief reaction.  That’s right, I am grieving the loss of something.  We all do this several times a day with the loss of our keys, missing an appointment, being put down or maybe the loss of a pet, a dream, or bigger still the death of someone we loved.

Grief is a normal reaction and encompasses the “stages of grief” by Kubler-Ross.

Many times your children may come home in a “bad mood” and we just assume it is just that…a bad day.  Having a bad day can be simple grief but you won’t know unless you ask, “what has happened to make you sad?”  They may tell you about being embarrassed in front of the class.  To this you can apply the phases, “wow, you must have been really surprised by that.”  Let them talk then say something like, “did you feel angry?”  Again, let them emote.  You can then say something like, “I would feel depressed and sad if I was made fun of as well.”  They will agree and usually come up with things they wish they had to avoid the embarrassment.  You can say, “I am glad that you know your options for next time” and then suggest some more hopefully healthier ones.  Finally, offer a hug.

You have just taught your child how to go through the grief process and how to communicate their feelings to you.

As for me I will just keep learning about the complications of the computer, Internet and saving documents.

 

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Debra J.Totton, LCSW
1025 Calimesa Blvd, Suite 5A
Calimesa, CA 92320

909.289.6800
dbtotton@gmail.com

Recent Posts

  • Pssst…DAD
  • You are beautiful
  • The Journey of Growth
  • What your kids want you to know
  • Oh No
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