Meaningful Christmas

11 Dec 2011
General
Comments: 0
, , , , , , , , , ,

Around the holidays there is a certain buzz in the air. Anticipation is building. You can feel the energy when you are out and about. Some of this energy is stress. If you have children there is extra stress attending their programs, trying to stay on schedule and wanting to give them them the “perfect Christmas” while you are juggling work, office parties, friends parties (insert anything else here). While all this activity can be wonderful I wonder about the purpose.

I think this flurry of activity is an attempt to achieve meaning, create memories and draw closer to those you love. If this is your purpose you have the over arching goal and can then make plans to fit that goal. I am offering some suggestions that might bring your closer to a more meaningful and mindful Christmas.

  1. Build 30 minutes into your daily schedule to “charge up”. Whether you meditate or pamper yourself, daily self care helps to alleviate stress. Encourage every member in your home to do the same. By doing this simple practice you are giving yourself and your family the gift of peace.
  2. In every home there is one person who does not thrive on over-stimulation or become energized by crowds of people. These individuals need private time built into each day. Over scheduling is a guarantee that there will be a meltdown for both children and adults. Provide some time for playing, drawing, coloring, listening to music or naps. You will be giving them the gift of understanding.
  3. In the heart of every child and adult there is his one gift that they desire. You can see the longing in their eyes. You can hear the voice inflection become softer when they talk about this item. Rather than focus on many gifts to fill up the space under the tree buy or make the one gift they want. The one gift that will be remembered. Then spend your time making memories and focusing on traditions. By doing this you are giving them the gift of stability and appreciation.
  4. Many people want love. They want others to listen to their heart, not just the words. I like to think of this as “listening for understanding”. The way to accomplish this is to make a date with each person in the family and listen to what they have to say about whatever interests them. When they feel heard you have given them the gift of self worth.
  5. Many people think of Christmas as family time. A time when the family gets together to laugh, enjoy each other’s company, reminisce about the good times, and to know you are part of something bigger than yourself. This gift is the gift of belonging.
  6. Whatever you do, remember the basics. Eat balanced meals, hydrate, exercise, maintain a regular sleep schedule, meditate and get outside for fresh air and sunshine.(if possible). This teaches the family the importance of respecting their bodies. This gift of health is an amazing gift that will last a lifetime.

My gift to you is to wish you a peaceful, purposeful and positive parenting holiday. Give the gifts that last a lifetime.

Attitude of Gratitude

27 Nov 2011
Development
Comments: 0
, , , , , , ,

In November I reflect on something that I am grateful for each day. Here are some that I posted on facebook. “A quiet crisp morning, the smell of coffee brewing, yellow, red, and orange leaves falling to the ground and contentment in my heart.” “So blessed to have a job I love.” “Time spent with family is pure joy.”

Being grateful has a calming effect, increases happiness, satisfaction, and a deeper sleep. I found I had more energy and although I got sick was able to recuperate faster. Emotionally I felt more joyful, experienced more contentment, and felt calm amidst the chaos of the holidays.

Sir John Templeton states, ‎”How wonderful it would be if we could help our children and grandchildren to learn thanksgiving at an early age. Thanksgiving opens the doors. It changes a child’s personality. A child is resentful, negative—or thankful. Thankful children want to give, they radiate happiness, they draw people.”

My challenge:

Practice being grateful each day for a month.

Share your gratitude with the family each day.

Have your children state their gratitude.

Evaluate:

Did you see improvement in the overall attitude of your family?

Did you experience deeper sharing as a family?

Were you able to understand what is important in the life of each child?

If you answered yes to these questions, congratulations!  You are developing a stronger bond and improving the overall health of your family.  Now that is something to celebrate.

HALLOWEEN

31 Oct 2011
General, Parenting
Comments: 0
,

May you navigate the tricks in life and be rewarded with treats.

Have a safe Halloween.

Work, Work, Work, Work, Work

30 Sep 2011
Development, Parenting
Comments: 0
, , , , , , , ,

Young adult: “My mom was so mean to me! She made me do chores!”
Me: “What kind of chores?”
Young adult: “Dusting, mopping, vacuuming, and washing dishes.”
Me: “How old were you?”
Young adult: “I was in High School.”
Me: (stunned silence)

This type of conversation has been increasing over the years, and I think that I need to address the issue of chores.

1. Doing chores is a part of teaching children responsibility, obedience, a sense of accomplishment, inclusiveness in the family, and learning independence skills for adulthood.
2. Before age one, children pick up and drop items, exploring and learning to manipulate them. Why not start teaching age appropriate chores then? For example, during bath time, have your child grab and drop his floating toys one by one into a mesh bag. Celebrate with a “splash time” and then take him out of the bath.
3. By age two children can put toys into baskets, “do dishes,” help with meal preparation (e.g., washing potatoes for boiling), and choose clothes to wear when given two choices. These can be fun chores done together.
4. By age five children can “help sweep” with you, dust with a sock on their hand, wipe a sink after using it, and put dirty clothes in a hamper.
5. Between ages nine and ten, your child can learn how to wash, dry, fold, and put away their laundry, make a meal, keep their room clean, vacuum, mop, clean the entire bathroom and kitchen.

With all things there needs to be balance, so here is a list I want you to think about.

1. Just because a child/teen can do all the chores listed in number five above does NOT mean that they should clean the entire home by themselves. Your children are not your slaves.
2. You are NOT your child’s slave. Divide up the household chores and do the big ones together.
3. If you have a tendency to be perfectionistic, do not require this of your child. Seriously, having your child pull out the stove or refrigerator every week to clean behind and under it, might really be your issue!
4. Mix the chores with fun. If you wash the car together have a friendly water fight. When pulling weeds talk to each other, or lay down in the grass for a break and watch the clouds.
5. Stop arguing over the uncompleted chores. Use natural consequences instead. If your son fails to pick up his toys by an agreed time of day, you might try this: pick up the toys; tell him that when he picks them up he gets to keep them in his room; when you pick them up they go into your room. For older children do the same but add, “How will you pay me for doing your chore?” Give suggestions.
6. Do NOT invent last minute chores before your teen goes out. Could this be your way of avoiding the real issue of you not wanting them to go out?
7. Stay calm. It is a big mistake to allow anger or resentment to show as this will give your child permission to argue with you.

It is never too late to help your child develop the necessary skills that it takes to be a functional adult. The question is when will you start?

Your REAL Child

24 Jul 2011
Parenting
Comments: 0
, , , , , ,

Take a moment to picture your ideal child. Is the child polite, thoughtful and kind? What about obedient, open to your directions and honest? Does the child get good grades? Is he or she helpful and socialized?

Most—if not all—parents have a picture in their mind of what their child will look like, as well as how they will behave growing up. Many times, we think back on our own history and try to predict who our children will be. For instance, I was naive to think that because I was compliant and self-motivated that my children would follow my footsteps. That fairytale thinking died quickly when my son came. With him, I was a regular caller to poison control and a frequent flyer at the emergency rooms for stitches. I was on a first-name basis at “Toys’R’Us” where I had to buy car seat after car seat trying to find one that my Houdini-child could not escape from. And I became a handy-woman attempting to double child-proof anything that could be opened or crawled on. As you can see, my ideal-child-dream was shattered.

In thinking back, I laugh at his antics and curiosity. I smile when I hear his child-voice in my head asking questions and making declarative sentences like, “Me and Lissa will go play in mud and be Indians!” My firstborn has ADHD, is gifted, hyperactive (did I mention that already?), funny, hard-working and follows his own dreams, not mine. It didn’t take me long to realize my children are not my dream children: they are unique individuals with different personalities, challenges and gifts, and I love them all the more for it.

One way to free yourself of your anger, disappointment and fear about your child or teen is to quickly acknowledge when you are living in your dream world. It may sound harsh but the sooner you realize the person before you is your real child, the sooner you can parent more effectively.

Six steps to parent your real child; not the dream child.

1.  Write out your vision of your dream child. Think about it, smile about your dream and turn the page and write about who your child really is.

2.  Observe the strengths of your child. Does your he make friends easily? Is she good in Math, Science, or History? Is your child good in sports? Iss he or she affectionate?

3.  Write out the growing edges that your child has. Is your child bossy? Is your child impulsive? Is your child sensitive or does he or she have a learning problem?

4.  Take your list of “growing edges” and re-label them. “Bossy” can be re-framed as a “leader”. “Impulsive” can be re-labeled as “spontaneous” or “flexible”. The “sensitive” child can be “intuitive”. If you bump up against a part of your child’s growing edges that may cause harm or is socially unacceptable, put a star beside it or underline it.

5.  The habits you starred or underlined are the habits you can help him or her develop into successful traits. Work on only one habit at a time and do not become emotionally charged about them. Parent from your head.

6.  Love them unconditionally no matter what. This does not mean that you can excuse them when they misbehave. But if they know that their parents love and support them, they will have the confidence to go out into the world as stronger individuals in the future.