Ready. Set. Action!

30 Apr 2011
Communication, Parenting
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Parenting a pre-teen or teen is an incredible roller coaster ride. You may feel so excited that you are communicating with your teen. The two of you are in sync. Life is smooth. Just when you are feeling at the top of your parenting game your stomach turns to knots as the roller coaster plunges you into feelings of inadequacy with the turmoil of emotional fights.

Does this feel familiar?

Here are some facts that I want you to remember.

~ Parenting is not for cowards.

~ You are the parent and authority figure in the home.

~ You are NOT your teen’s best friend.

~ You create the rules in the home and they are about safety. Any other rule is your issue that you have to deal with inside yourself.

~ You are the role model. Kids will learn social skills, work ethics, problem-solving skills and moral development by watching you.

~ Focus only on behaviors not the attitude when there is a problem. Remember the behavior change is what you want.

~ Everyone, including you, get “do-overs” everyday.

Now think about the roller coaster for a minute. It takes off fast to gain traction. It usually climbs slowly to the top and then takes off on all the twists and turns seemingly to defy gravity. Just when you can’t seem to take any more it suddenly stops. This describes a parent’s emotions when you allow your feelings or your child’s emotions to cloud the real issues. This is an adrenaline rush that can leave you exhausted physically and emotionally.

The secret is to focus on only what you can see and hear. These are the actions or behaviors that you address. For example, you see your teen cleaning the kitchen and you hear them grumbling simultaneously. Take a moment when the task is completed to say, “I really like to see you doing your chores, good job!” Did you notice that you don’t focus on the grumbling? That is right, if they are doing the action they are doing their job. The grumbling is a way of saving face or a way to bait you into a fight to relive their internal pressure. Let it go and move on.

My challenge to you is to focus only on the behaviors you see or you hear.

Grieving

29 Mar 2011
General
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Grief, mourning and bereavement are fancy words to describe the phases of adjustment that we go through during a loss. A loss for a child/teen can be from a death, health, divorce, change in school, moving, break ups, being bullied, theft of personal property, intrusion or violation.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages that a person goes through during grief. They are:

1. Shock and denial where the reaction is “Noooo, this can’t be happening.”

2. Anger which is directed to anyone they can blame.

3. Bargaining with God, authority figures or someone whom they perceive to have power.

4. Depression where the grief work seems to be the focus.

5. Acceptance and moving on with life.

It is not a step-by-step process but more of a continuous wave of different phases crashing like waves over you. Some waves are small while others come in sets and pummel you to your knees and tossing you onto land again.

Children grieve as well but it is manifested in behavioral and somatic ways. Grief reactions include:

~ Feelings of helplessness, “I can’t.”

~ Somatic complaints; choking, lump in throat or tightness in chest, stomach aches, shallow breathing, sighing, nausea, feeling tired, or having diarrhea.

~ Lashing out or temper tantrums, whining, hitting, or oppositional behavior.

~ Expressing guilt, insist the loved one will come back, report hearing the loved ones’ voice.

~ Depression or mood changes, restlessness, decrease in concentration, crying, no energy, sleeping disturbances/nightmares and bed wetting.

Teens may have many symptoms listed above but know that death is permanent. They will experience feelings more intensely because their body is undergoing hormonal changes during this time. In addition they may feel guilt, burdened, pressure to step up and be an adult, feel the need to care for the remaining adult, isolate, withdraw socially, act out, begin to drink or do drugs to avoid the pain and get frustrated easily.

Parenting Tips

When talking to your children/teen use the correct terminology. If someone has died use the term death/died. Do not use left, passed, sleeping, with Jesus, lost or took a journey. Using these words may cause fears or unrealistic anger. For instance, if you use the words “they are sleeping” the child will have fears of going to sleep. If you say “they went to live with Jesus” the child gets the idea that Jesus is mean or the person did not like living with them anymore.

Spend extra time with your child/teen. Let them see you cry sometimes so it gives permission for them to express their emotion. Accept their emotions as the feelings come.

Stay on a schedule for sleeping, eating healthy and caring for their body. Increase fluid intake and some dietitians recommend a daily banana to help with potassium loss. Keep life simple by taking time to laugh, walk, play or go somewhere for a shared experience. Hold off on making major life changes for at least a year.

Recognize that there will be setbacks on the anniversary of that death, birthdays, holidays, when friends talk about their family, important events like prom, graduation, and all the “firsts.” Be aware of the words that you use. Saying, “I could have died laughing or from embarrassment” can freak a child out.

 

Grief work is different for everyone. The working through of grief may last as long as two years with setbacks occurring periodically. Have patience with yourself and with your child. Know that with your help, they are doing the best that they can. And if you feel overwhelmed there are professionals and groups to help you get through this time.

Loving Your Children

21 Feb 2011
General
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You must understand that technology is not my thing. The first time I saw a computer was when my husband bought a Comador 64. I personally had and still have a typewriter. We upgraded to some other computer of which I can’t remember. This computer was handed down to my then 5th grader. This computer became all mine in 2007 when I decided that my practice needed to become more up to date. I started my first website using this clunky machine.

Soon after I discovered what web surfing was all about. So I began signing up to put free ads on different sites like Yelp, LinkedIn and Namz. Before long I kept seeing my name and Calimesa Counseling pop up on this internet. I was amazed to see what I started take on a life of its own (apparently that is called “organic”). Truly we are living in an era where information is at our fingertips and I don’t have to lug out the giant dictionary, thesaurus, history books or map books.

Recently I went to eat at a restaurant where I will just say I won’t go back. I got onto Yelp and wrote my first review chastising the filthiness of the restaurant, the scarcity of food selections and how rude the staff was to me. I felt a sense of power knowing that people would heed my warning and stay away from this place.

Then I decided to write a review about my favorite sushi place. A-a-a-a. The words were difficult in coming into my head. I wrote and re-wrote and ended up with a very lame but high star review. It didn’t feel right somehow. Why was the negative so easy to be passionate about and yet the positive came with a struggle? I am normally a very positive person so this was worrisome to me.

Amidst all of my own confusion and struggling to straighten out my attitude I kept hearing the kids/teens I work with express these wishes. “I wish that my parents would listen to me,” “I wish that someone would love me,” “I wish that my parent’s would approve or even like me,” “I desperately want my parents to notice the good person that I am rather than just yell at me,” “I wish that my teachers would see that I need some help, that I am all alone at school.”

These comments seemed to parallel my thoughts on how easy it is to speak the negative and how difficult it is to speak positively. We may be good at uplifting others but somehow our families are held to a higher standard and are easy targets for our disappointments.

If you somehow resonate with this issue here are some thoughts to keep in mind when communicating with your teen.

~ When your child comes home from school, ask how their day was. Really listen to what they are saying and what they are not saying. Eye contact will help you watch their body language as well.

~ Ask questions for more clarification. Remember the who, what, when, where, why and how questions.

~ If they are upset, reach out your hand and touch their shoulder in a clockwise circle.

~ Do not give them pat answers, ask them what they want. Help them find their own solutions so it empowers them.

~ Let them know you have faith in their ability to find a solution.

~ Tell them that you love them. They may be different from you but love their uniqueness.

Start this month to really make a positive difference in your child’s life. Just as you reach up to take someone’s hand to lean on, reach back and take your teens hand to pull them up creating a human chain of caring.

The Telephone Game: All About Gossip

30 Jan 2011
Communication
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“Telephone” was a popular social game when I was growing up.  Here is how it is played.  Get some people together and sit in a circle or stand in a line.  One person is told three or four sentences.  That person whispers to the next person what they think they have heard.  This continues until the last person has to say it out loud.  In the end it is obvious how jumbled up those sentences are from the original sentences.

This game in its simplicity illustrates the distortion that happens when we pass along “facts” gleaned from another person’s whisper.  This happens to all of us at some point in our lives and inundates the class room of schools and work place.

Here are some simple steps you can take to stop gossip.

1.  Decide gossip is not something you want to participate in.

2.  When you are tempted to “tell” another person something about someone else ask yourself, “Is this my story to tell?”

3.  When a friend begins to share a story which changes into a gossip session say, “This is not my story to hear.”  If you really want to be bold you can ask the other person, “Is this your story to share?”

4.  Remember that if people are gossiping about someone to you, they are most likely sharing your story with others.

Our children/teens are watching the behaviors we do and listening to the words we say.  This is one way they learn social skills that they take into the school setting.  If you practice this no gossip stance, one day you will be rewarded by hearing your child say, “It is not my story to hear or say.”

Taking your stand

29 Nov 2010
General, School
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How many times have you heard the term, “Fight! Fight!” or “Girl fight!” on campus where you attend school?  Weekly, daily, or more frequently?  Then it seems as if everyone rushes to where the fight is happening to watch.  Some kids actively get involved by getting some punches in.  Some egg it on, yelling for their favorite fighter.  Some video record and upload the YouTube, but many stand by and watch.

All of the above actions are an involvement in bullying the victim. Even standing by, just watching, lends passive support to the bully, not the victim.

I would say that most schools do not condone violence on or off campus. I would also say that violence to any degree occurs in both places every day, whether it is through words, texts, videos, or physically pushing people around.

A bully will not stop his behavior by himself. Teachers, administrators, and parents have only a limited effect to stop a bully. Often a victim feels powerless to do anything. This leaves one very important group with the power to stop this behavior: the bystanders, you and me. Whenever we see others picking on someone else, we have a choice to make. Our choice is our level of involvement.

The choice can be viewed on a continuum. To the left and beyond is participation in the bullying. Movement to the right on the line supports the victim and helps to stop the behavior. (Check out the diagram below.)

Notice that at any point you can seek the help of an adult to support your choice.

To the left, just hoping the bullying behavior stops lends support to the victim. Although it is passive, it leans in the right direction. Once you begin to take steps to actively help the victim (for example, by talking to them, keeping them company, walking with them to class, seeking out help for the victim) now you have become an activist in stopping the violence.

Just a note of caution: when there is an ongoing fight do not put yourself in harms way.

So the question to ask yourself is this, “Where will I stand on the line?”

Peace out……………