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Bullying! What is a parent to do?

Debra Totton
29 Oct 2010
School
Comments: 0
behavior, bullying, child, Debra J. Totton LCSW, Parenting, poor behavior choices, yelling

You watch your normally bubbly child sluggishly get into the car after school.  Your parent radar kicks in and you know something is wrong.  Is she sick?  Does she have a lot of homework?  You ask her probing questions and finally through tears she tells you she has been pushed around all day, yelled at and called names from the other kids in school.

Your first reaction is outrage to “those kids”, to the parents and to the school.  While anger is a perfectly normal emotion for this situation, it is important to stay calm for your child’s sake.  If a child has been on the receiving end of anger at school she does not need to have anger directed at her at home.  You might say to your child, “Those kids are making poor behavior choices,” rather than, “Those are bad kids.”  Remind her about ways other kids may or may not be allowed into her personal space.  For example, high fives and a friendly pat on the back are fine, but hitting, kicking spitting, pushing, saying hurtful words out loud or by text, gossip, and uncomfortable touching are not allowed.

Here are some practical things you can do to protect your child.

1.  Call the teacher and set up a conference time the next day to develop an intervention and protection plan for your child to stop the abuse.

2.  If the mean behavior continues, call the school principal, vice principal, or an advocate to ask for help protecting your child.

3.  If the abuse continues or is not satisfactorily resolved, contact the education department, school board, or other governing body, to lodge a formal complaint.

4.  If the abuse still continues, or gets worse, notify the police and/or child protective services, and possibly the Office of Civil Rights.  It is against the law in this country to abuse a child, and it is likely a violation of their civil rights.

5.  It is NOT recommended that you talk directly to the parents, nor encourage your child to fight back.

6.  Document what your child says about the alleged abuse.  Also document the following:  a) the steps you have taken; b) the responses of the people who have promised to help to stop the abuse; c) the intervention/action plan; d) any continued abuse.

To learn more check out these articles:

Ten Actions to Eliminate Bullying

Government warns schools that bullying can violate civil rights laws

Be action-oriented in protecting your child.

Being Bullied

Debra Totton
30 Sep 2010
School
Comments: 3
behavior, bulling, Debra J. Totton LCSW, friends, harassment, mean, protect, school violence

It’s her first day of second grade.  She is excited.  She is wearing her first store bought dress.  She is going to an all-white school rather than the Indian school, and she has a lunch pail.  Little does she know how important this day would be for her.

Dropped off at her new classroom with 31 other children, the teacher introduces her to the class as “the new girl from an Indian school.”  Absolute silence.  During the day only two kids talk to her,  Bobby, who would become her champion, and sweet gentle Valerie.

The rest of the week was pretty much the same, more isolation.  By the next week her classmates had this mantra, “Go back to the Indians!  You’re not wanted here!”  One of the boys called her a name that she had never heard before.  He said, “You’re a retard!”  Her big comeback was, “No, you’re a retard!”  Promptly raising his hand, he told the teacher on her.  Mrs. Cornwell was not interested in knowing why or how this happened.  She immediately grabbed her by the ear, led her to the girls bathroom and washed her mouth out with soap.

In third grade the situation became physical when the girls got her in a circle on the playground and began shoving her around, calling her names, and hitting her.  Her younger brother ran to her rescue, threatening to beat up the next girl to push her.

In Elementary and Junior High she was told by her parents that the kids were just jealous.  Of what?  Her hand-me-down clothes?  Her poverty?  She was also told that if you develop only one friend in your lifetime consider yourself blessed.  How is one supposed to develop friendships when your reputation is being torn apart, and when some of the teachers participate in the torture?

Each day was a nightmare filled with the dread of going into the classroom to “learn.”  Oh, she learned.  She learned that if you were popular, if you sided with the popular kids, if you were athletic, or if you were wealthy you would be so powerful that you could do anything you wanted to anybody and adults would look the other way.  She learned that some teachers seemed to take vicarious pleasure in watching students torment other kids.

There’s more to be learned.

If you are the victim of school violence, harassment or abuse, you can do something about it.

1.  Do not be shamed into silence.  Tell your parents or a trusted adult.

2.  Say, “Stop!” and then walk away.

3.  Find someone that will have your back.  Walk to class together, eat lunch and hang out during the dreaded PE class.

4.  Keep a record of who and what is said.  Keep harassing emails, texts or photos as proof.

5.  Tell your parent/guardian so they can talk with the school.

6.  Make a life outside of school by finding a hobby, studying and focusing on your future.

7.  Keep talking with someone (adult) about how you feel.

8.  Realize that you are worthy and special.  Those other kids don’t see it, and they just choose to be mean.

So how did things turn out for the little girl from the Indian school?

She chose to focus on who she wanted to become and channeled all that fear and sadness into laying a foundation for her future.  She studied hard and got great grades.  She was elected class president twice in high school (she was organized).  She edited the school’s newspaper and yearbook.  These experiences helped her to earn scholarships for college.

She also learned that she could only control her thoughts, attitude and behaviors.  She could not control others’ behaviors, attitudes, or thoughts.

I know this story too well.  Sometimes it’s hard to talk about.  By the way,  I am still friends with Bobby.

Who Am I ?

Debra Totton
29 Aug 2010
Parenting
Comments: 0
change, Debra J. Totton LCSW, hormonal, Identity, self discovery

I am drawn to the connections that occur whether it is abstract thoughts or with living beings.  For instance, we have an indoor cat that has become an outdoor cat.  Because he was raised with affection he had now made “friends” with the skunks and a possum that come nightly to eat his food.  It makes me laugh but he is really intent on sharing and doesn’t seem to mind.

I also find it interesting that many parents who are wondering and struggling with redefining themselves have kids who are just beginning to ask the question of who am I?  What is fascinating is that they are on a parallel journey of discovery.  But before you get all excited and want to bond with your child of this discovery there are some things you need to know.

~Your journey of self discovery began at birth as did theirs.  You however, have more years of knowledge and wisdom within you to pull on, while your child does not.

~Your child’s brain is actually growing in size, yours is not.  This adds to the adolescent confusion and lack of motivation as well as that annoying forgetful memory syndrome.

~Your child is becoming associated with abstract ideas/thoughts and you have been there for awhile.

~Your child needs peer support to validate the multiple roles or traits he/she wants to incorporate into his life.  You have come to the point where you don’t care what others think.  You have the attitude of a million people could say this won’t work, yet I am the majority.

However, there are similar issues.

~You are both hormonal which means that emotional upsets will and do happen.

~You are both asking the same questions of Who am I? Who do I want to be? How will this play out in life?

~You both want what is best for yourself.

~You both will experiment with different ideas and habits.

To avoid collision during this phase of life I have a few suggestions.

1.  Don’t try to be BFF’s (Best Friends Forever) with your child, you are the parent.

2.  Don’t make your journey more important.  In fact you are not there to share your issues with them.  This will alienate them from you causing great pain and making your journey more difficult.

3.  Rejoice when they discover a great thing about themselves, then nurture it.

4.  Nurture yourself and rejoice when you discover a great new you.

Remember that life is to be enjoyed.  Find humor in the fact that you are on parallel journeys and there will be days that are similar.  Set aside time for you to work on you.  This is exhausting to observe yourself changing while trying to parent your child going through this similar experience.

Don’t panic

Debra Totton
18 Jul 2010
Parenting
Comments: 0
child crisis, crisis, Debra J. Totton LCSW, helplessness, high needs child, pain, self care, survival tips

Your child is in the emergency room again while you stand there feeling helpless and not knowing what to do.  Your child comes in the back door from school and you notice he is sporting a black eye and a split lip.  You discover your adult child has been in an abusive relationship.  Have you ever noticed that when our children are in pain – whether that pain is physical or emotional – parental guilt seeps into our minds?   We begin to doubt parenting choices and we wonder if we could have prevented the harm they have fallen into.  Added to our already overly doubtful mind is the guilt of not being able to give 100% to our child’s problem.  We experience irrational behaviors of not eating well, becoming sleep deprived, not taking breaks or exercising.

As a mom with a high needs child, I understand the desire to physically protect and to want to be there emotionally 100% of the time.  However, without taking care of ourselves we may not be strong enough to continue through the long haul of issues they must get through.  In an airplane when there is a crisis the oxygen masks drop down.  We are to put on our own oxygen mask prior to helping our children put theirs on.

Here are some survival tips to incorporate during a crisis with your child.

1.  Surround yourself with supportive people who really care.  Do not expend your energy on people who try to “one up” you.  For example, if you share something with someone and they say “oh, I know exactly what you mean…” and then make their story larger than reality that is called a “one up”.  If you leave the conversation feeling like you are carrying their burdens as well as your own, this is a clue that this is not healthy for you right now.  Trust your instincts.

2.  Get back to the basics in life.  Eat balanced meals, drink water rather than caffeine, exercise, breathe deeply, sleep, meditate and take guilt free breaks.

3.  Become knowledgeable about the options for your child’s recovery.

4.  Lean on your faith.

5.  Live in the moment.  Playing the “what if” game intensifies your fears and sense of helplessness.

6.  Make sure you keep your own medical appointments.

You are capable of going the distance with your child’s crisis but only if you take care of yourself as well.  Remember: put your oxygen mask on first.

OOPS!

Debra Totton
15 Jun 2010
Communication
Comments: 0
cell phones and driving, Debra J. Totton LCSW, example, mistakes, tickets

I was traveling with my son to pick up my daughter from college.  My cell phone rang and I automatically answered it.  Meanwhile, a motorcycle policeman came up beside me and signaled me over with his left hand.  Well being the friendly person that I am I waved back.  Yep!  I was still holding my phone up to my ear and waving at him.  (He was not amused.)

Imagine my embarrassment when I got a ticket for driving and talking on the cell phone in front of my child.

I learned a few things that day.

1.  There are natural consequences throughout our life span.

2.  I can make a mistake in front of my adult children and they don’t “die” from embarrassment.

3.  Kids at any age can learn from our errors in judgment.

4.  If I am courteous under pressure to an authority figure my children learn how to deal with authority figures as well.

5.  Mistakes can draw a family closer.  It can be something to laugh about.  It can serve as reminders to obey the laws.  It can put us parents on the same human level as our children.

This ticket cost me $142.00.  A small price to pay for positive interaction with my children.

Here is your challenge:  Use your mistakes to help everyone grow rather than get mad and try to hide them.

Be safe out there and use your hands free device.

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Debra J.Totton, LCSW
1025 Calimesa Blvd, Suite 5A
Calimesa, CA 92320

909.289.6800
dbtotton@gmail.com

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