Enjoy the Journey

22 Apr 2010
Communication
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We took some Jr. High kids to Joshua Tree to go hiking.  It was an amazing day.  The wild flowers were blooming, the rock formations were eye catching, and the growth of new vegetation among the burn areas were inspiring.

We took a group photo prior to hiking the trail leading to a mine.  We started out as a group but I soon found myself at the end of the pack with one of the girls.  We were in no hurry as we talked together, stopped frequently to look at the wildness of the area and to take pictures.  With each new vertical hill to conquer she would say, “I don’t know if I can make it”.  I used variations of “one step at a time”, “hope springs eternal”, and “we are in this together”.

As we would reach the top we could see the group in the distance.  It was discouraging for her as she had not hiked before.  Eventually we made it to the mine.  It was surrounded by a fence, so we could not get close.  The group was sitting on a low wall and we joined them. She leaned into me and whispered, “Is this it?”  I smiled back sharing the same sentiment.  Since the others had been there for a half an hour they were ready to go back.  She invited me to walk with her again.

On the return trip we found and explored an abandoned rock home, took more pictures of animals, burnt cactus that were blooming and simply enjoyed the views.  Toward the end she remarked that she was glad she was not at the front.  I asked why and here response was, “usually when I talk, no one really listens.”

There were two lessons I was reminded of that day.

1.  Teens really want someone to listen to them.  Listening to them is a simple gift we can give.

2.  In life we can get so caught up in getting to what we think is our destination, that we forget to enjoy the journey.

History 101

25 Mar 2010
Communication
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When I was growing up I loved to listen to the stories my grandparents would tell. My grandfather, Pampaw, lived in Point Barrow, Alaska, working for the United States Geological Survey mapping out the Alaskan territory. He and his new wife, my grandmother, also worked with the native Americans bringing education to remote areas in Alaska. We loved listening to their stories. Like when Pampaw helped lead the search and rescue team after the fatal crash of Will Rogers’ and Wiley Post’s plane. After many years, they moved to the lower 48 and continued working with the native Americans in Arizona.

I learned from their stories what was important in my family’s heritage. It was clear that helping others, being resilient, becoming educated, sacrificing for the good of the community, and facing challenges with courage were each a part of my family story. The stories and the values they communicated helped to define who I am today. I strive to pass these values on to my children; I hope that they have learned the lessons from our history.

Many forces work to shape who we are. In my case it was the life-story of fearless grandparents who faced difficulty with dignity, persevering in spite of many obstacles. Other forces shape our values: religion, ethnicity, political affiliation, economic conditions, and more.

What has helped to shape your life? How have these forces been at work in your life and in your family?

Is it a unique or inspiring family story that helped to shape you? How are you defined by your religious beliefs? Do you celebrate your ethnicity and culture? What priority do politics play in your family? Is your current financial status defining who you are? Are you mission-minded or service-oriented?

So here is my challenge to you: After making time to define your family values (considering questions like those above), take time to pass them on both in story and in action.

Building Relationships

27 Feb 2010
General
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Many new moms are given this advice, “rest when the baby rests.”  It is important to do this so you have the strength to enjoy your new little one.  The temptation is to get caught up on cleaning while the child is resting which deprives  you of the energy it takes to build that relationship.  If you think about rearing a child into adulthood successfully it is through the relationship that is established from the beginning.

To keep on task think in terms of making memories.  Will you want to remember the developmental milestones of your child/children and fun times you created or will you want to remember how clean your home was?  I am not advocating that you keep a filthy home or neglect other duties but that you learn to prioritize what is important.  We can forget what is important when we juggle home, work, child rearing, school, appointments, grocery shopping, cooking, meetings/club, church and the relationship with your significant other.  After awhile time passes and we don’t know who our children are because we did not take the time to build and maintain the connection.

Here are 5 tips to help in relational building:

~  Take the time to listen to your child.  Give feedback to them to let them know you are hearing them.

~  Laugh together.  If mealtime is challenging keep it light.  Tell some jokes or make up some silly food games.

~  Take some time to play with your child no matter what age.

~  Love your child.  Give them a hug, pat on the shoulder, or gentle touch on the back.  Tell them daily.

~  Work together.  Prepare meals together, work in the garden side by side and talk while you work.  When kids have something to do with their hands you will find they will be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings.

Start today to build on your relationship.  Keep building everyday even when you hear “go away and leave me alone”.  During those moments remind them you are here and you love them.  May you have fun building the relationship you want with your child.

The New Decade

24 Jan 2010
General
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I am connected to a fun group of counselors from across the US and Canada.  I was recently  discussing things that are now obsolete in this decade.  Items such as the yellow pages, encyclopedia, landlines, wires, film cameras, the time lady, 35 mm film, and floppy drives have been replaced by newer and better versions or technology.  There was some grief over the time lady, but I believe this was pure nostalgia.

It got me thinking of things that are timeless and I hope last forever.  Here are some of my favorite concepts that came from our dialogue.  Love, feelings, exercise, chocolate, random acts of kindness, friends, connectedness, faith or belief in someone/something, hope, toilets and toilet paper were listed to remind us that humor is important.

My hope for you in this new decade is to focus on some of these timeless behaviors if they are missing in your life.  Incorporate love, get in touch with the feelings you have kept hidden, exercise, do and teach your children random acts of kindness.  Teach your family about friendship and connectedness.  Have faith in each other and hope that there is a better future for your family.  Lastly, laugh at yourself and with each other.

May this new decade be meaningful and full of growth for you and your family.

Attitude of Service

31 Dec 2009
Development
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I was having breakfast out prior to the big holiday shopping spree.  There was a grandfather having a breakfast conversation with his two grandsons who looked to be about 9 and 12 years old.  My ears perked up when he said, “We need a plan…” He continued, “Well, your grandma is in on the plan and stands ready to wrap anything we bring home. And the best part is that she will keep your gift a secret!” They were talking about a strategy for shopping for the boys’ parent. I began imagining all sorts of fun they were going to have implementing their plan, learning how to give meaningfully to others. These types of conversations help to reinforce the values of gratitude, respect, and appreciation that we want to nurture in our children.

But during the recent holiday season, I noticed again an emphasis on getting rather than giving. Yet learning how to give meaningfully is a very important developmental achievement. When kids are not taught to give, we help to create a narcissistic society of individuals focused on fulfilling their own desires, who have a sense of entitlement. So we must counteract this “me-ism” through effortful practice. Teaching children and teens to do chores, making a contribution to the family system, helps them toward this end. But there needs to be something bigger, outside of the family, that kids can do to learn and to develop those core values of gratitude, respect, and appreciation. Developing an attitude of service by looking for and helping to meet the needs of others is one way to accomplish this.

Holidays and special events provide opportunities for instruction in the giving arts. One gift that anyone can give is that of service, a gift of time and effort invested in another.  Here are some ideas to help your family begin to practice developing a serving-others attitude:

~Pulling weeds for a senior in your neighborhood.

~Preparing and delivering a meal for a family.

~Washing windows for someone who is home bound.

~Serving up meals to the homeless.

~Adopting a family who have fallen on hard times and making sure each child has a new outfit for school.

~Getting a group of families together to clean up a trailer park.

If you take 1 day a month to do something as a family to give to others you will strengthen this attitude of service.  And you will all receive the joy that comes from giving.

I think that the grandparents of those two boys will receive the greatest joy this year because they participated in helping their grandchildren learn the attitude of service.  Oh, did I not mention that the youngest made a list of things that he could personally do for his mom?  One “coupon” is for a neck massage.