Impulsivity and the Holidays

29 Nov 2009
Communication
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Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, better known as ADHD is a developmental disorder.  As parents of these kids it is common to lament about the lack of attention, forgetfulness, or the amazing energy that sometimes can not be channeled.  While all of these symptoms are challenging it overshadows the real problem of the child/teens lack of impulse control.

In young children you may notice the snatching of toys from another child, pushing, biting, temper tantrums and a spontaneous eruption of behavior that leaves you confused.

In pre- and early teens you may notice more impulsive behaviors like blurting out inappropriate comments, disruptions, agreeing to act on certain peer suggestions and beginning to experiment with cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.

During the late teens there is a marked increase in high risk behaviors partly because they are now driving and partly because most teens have the “I am invincible” attitude.

The holidays offer more opportunities for teens to engage in high risk behaviors.  So, today is the time to talk with your teen about drugs, alcohol, parties and driving.  I suggest setting up a plan in the event your teen needs your help.

1.  Whenever they go to a party send them with a fully charged cell phone.

2.  Establish a curfew.

3.  If your teen discovers there are drugs/alcohol at the party and they want to come home, have them go to the bathroom and call you.  Then you call them back in 5 minutes and insist they come home.  This way they can protest in front of their peers and blame it on you.  Eventually, they will be able to stand on their own to say no.

4.  Make an agreement in advance that if your teen has been drinking and they call you that you will pick them up, no questions asked.  You want to get them home safely and you want to monitor their health to determine if they need medical care.

5.  Keep asking the questions: “Is this what you want in your life?”  “How can I help you?”  “Do you know how worried I am about you?”

6.  Use these statements: “I love you.”  “I see a great future for you.”  “I am here for you.”  “These years can be tough, you can count on me.”  “I will do whatever it takes to help you without enabling you.”

7.  Openly talk with your teen about the long term issues with impulsive, high risk behaviors and ADHD with the possible consideration of medication.

May your holidays be a safe and happy one.

For more information on ADHD, Russell Barkley is the leading authority on the subject.

YELLING

19 Oct 2009
Communication
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Yelling is everywhere these days.  We see examples of this at sporting events, in stores, in the parking lot and some while driving their car.  Wikipedia lists several reasons for yelling/screaming: 1 “Fear and Surprise” the result is to call attention to yourself. 2 “Happiness” which conveys a positive emotion to others. 3 “Danger and Pain” which informs others of danger.  Reading on it cites the battle cry, death growl and rebel yell as more options to consider.  Interestingly that this falls under oral communication to prepare for a battle.

I have to boldly ask if these are the reasons why parents yell at their children?  Go ahead, look at the definitions again.  Is one of them the reason for your yelling?

Think of a recent time you just “went off” or screamed at your children.  Did they react to this form of communication?  Some kids will yell back and before long a it becomes a competition of who can shout the loudest.  Some kids will simply stop listening because they realize given enough time you will run out of steam and either shut up or you will escalate and become even more abusive.  Other kids anticipate your mood and attack first “disrespecting” you.

Yet, in the quietness of the night you wonder how this has gotten out of control when you love them so much.  A change is needed.

Here are five suggestions to restore peace in your home.

1.  Take five.  Take some time for yourself daily.  Many times the fear you have inside can be dealt with if you stop and nurture yourself first.

2.  Lower expectations.  Keep the chores or request simple and age appropriate for your child.  Some five year olds can feed the dog consistently while other eight year olds struggle to remember and follow through.

3.  Keep work at work.  If you know you are stressed about worries this will get passed onto your children.  So leave your adult worries at work and focus on the kid worries at home.  After you have dealt with their concerns you can remind them to do their homework or chores.

4.  Break the habit.  If your child have the yelling habit already lower your voice and ask them to lower their voice.  For young children, you can say “use your inside voice”.  For older kids you can say, “I’m right here”.  Keep doing this until you are whispering.

5.  Check your altitude.  As adults we are typically taller than our children.  If you want to communicate with your child get eye level with him.  Speak softly while looking into her eyes and have a gentle touch on their shoulder.

If you have been using screaming or yelling as your style of communication do not despair.  You can make a change today.  Be persistent and consistent and the change will come.

May your home be filled with peace.

FIRE

02 Sep 2009
General
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In California we are faced with fires that rip through the mountains and neighborhoods devouring anything in its path.  We have grown accustomed to watching the helicopter scoop/suck up water from nearby parks and lakes as they rush to drop it on the thirsty fires.  All this drama unfolds before us on TV or as an eyewitness.

As I write this the helicopters are still going back and forth.  I have no clue where the destination is as this year we have no TV and the radio stations are not broadcasting much information.  I have a phone number to call on the latest activities.

I do recognize that the TV does keep us informed and it is vital to have this information as a parent.  However, the broadcasts show the fires repeatedly with the field reporters giving us the facts in a delivery that is anxiety producing.  After a day of your child viewing this it can prevent them from sleeping at night and you may have more separation anxiety when school resumes.

Here are some suggestions on how to deal with the stress of fires or any disasters.

1.  Have a plan and calmly follow the plan.  Know what to take and what to leave behind.

2.  Favorite blankies and favorite toys are just as important to your children as passports are to you, so don’t forget them.

3.  Put the evacuation items in the car.

4.  Use the phone to get up to the minute information to stay informed. The reverse phone calls actually work so don’t be afraid you will be deserted.

5.  Spend time with your children watching videos or playing non-strenuous indoor games.

6.  If one parent goes into work have them call a couple of times just to chat.

7.  If the kids really want to see the news, let them see small doses maybe 10 minutes every few hours.  Or if the planes and helicopters are flying overhead have them count the different kinds of planes/helicopters.

8.  If you have restless teenagers and it is safe let them get together with friends for a couple of hours.

9.  Some teens feel compelled to help.  Help them gather cold drinks and donuts and take them to the firefighters parked up the street, or to the police who are in charge of working the barricades.

The more we practice modeling a calm environment our children will experience less anxiety.

The Least

31 Aug 2009
Communication
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I sat with a group of middle school kids and pondered the questions, “What does least mean? Who are the least in society? and Who are the least in school?”

The definition of least was viewed as less than, not the most, undesirable, not as much and at the bottom.

They thought that society viewed the following as the least: homeless people, ugly people, obese people, poor people, undocumented people and different people.  They also threw in black widow spiders, mosquitoes and their least favorite sports teams.

Following the same thought and applying it to the school setting their belief was that in the school setting the least was defined as: Kindergartners, 7th graders, 9th graders, kids who don’t excel in school, sensitive kids, not popular, socially awkward, ugly, obese and not pretty.

As a way to figure out how to treat others we asked them why they do things.  The answers ranged from “because we are told to and there is either a reward or punishment attached”. Clearly the thought did not occur to them that they had a choice and that is our responsibility to make that choice.

With this in mind I am reminded each day in some way how I am treating others.  Because if we have a choice (and we do) why not have the motivation to do this simply because it is the right thing to do not for any reward or out of fear of punishment?

I challenge you to have this discussion with your tween or teen and see the outcome of the discussion.  Then give them the challenge to champion the people who are viewed as the least in their school.

Play Hard

25 Jul 2009
Communication
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Thought I would share with you a video about play.  I was interviewed on the importance of play in life and how it relates to our spirituality.  This was produced by the youth pastor, Dustin Comm, from one of the local churches in Calimesa.

Thoughts on Play