Divorcing Families

26 Jan 2009
Parenting
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I received an email citing January is the month where the divorce rate is the highest.  For many kids this was not on the new year’s resolution list of things to deal with.  And yet it happens and they feel powerless to do anything about it.  Parents can actually help their children get through this or they can add to the general chaos.

I have found that couples generally fall somewhere between 2 extremes in thinking about their children and divorce.

The first extreme thought is “I choose to inflict pain on my ex by using the children as a weapon of war.  This means I will talk bad about my ex to my children, I will barter with my ex for visitation, or I will flat out manipulate the kids to behave badly so my ex will have to deal with poor behavior.”

The second extreme thought is “parenting will be too difficult so I am out of their lives.”

STOP!!!  Be honest with yourself.  Are you still ticked off with your ex and choose to be difficult to work with?  Do you fantasize about moving to Australia because you don’t want to face the reality of rearing children as a single parent?

There is a third option.  I propose a new attitude.  Copy this next section and read it as an affirmation.

” I want what is best for my child/ren.  I will put aside my anger and work with my ex.  Together, we will show our children the love and support that they need.”

Commit to saying this every day morning and evening for one month.  Slowly, you will be able to really focus past your own hurt to see your children’s hurt.  You will be able to bypass your own anger to see your child’s anger.  You will be able to respond to the feelings that your children have in order to help them through this difficult time.  This option is a selfless option and will take self monitoring.

I believe YOU can do this.

A New Year’s Committment

31 Dec 2008
General
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It is the time of year when many of us are making resolutions.  Some want to break habits such as smoking, overeating, or drinking.  Some want to develop habits as reading more, exercising more or parenting better.  If we fail to break these goals down into measurable steps, chances are we may fail.  A while back a colleague’s husband wrote down a parenting pledge that is specific and meets children’s needs.

The Parents’ Pledge

“As a parent my greatest wish is that my children will have a life filled with happiness and the joy of loving; therefore, I will always try to understand and fulfill their needs.

I.     Through touching, I will show my children that they are loved so that they can give throughout their lives.

II.    My children need not earn my love for I will give it freely without reservation or limit.

III.   To help my children become self-confident, I will teach them with encouragement, not criticism, and I will always try to emphasize their good qualities.

IV.   To build confidence and help my children mature, I will encourage them to do for themselves things they can do.

V.    To prevent my children from being fearful, I will try not to worry or protect them more than is necessary.

VI.    I will try to remember that my children are not my property but separate people whom I may guide but must gradually set free.

VII.   I will teach my children that they must not be overly concerned with others’ opinions of them so they will learn to think for themselves.

VIII.  In order that my children will learn to value their own opinions and ideas, I will listen to them with interest and respect.

IX.    To teach my children respect for authority and to develop their self-discipline, I will insist in a kind but firm manner that my instructions be obeyed.

X.     Realizing that my children will imitate me, I will always try to be a good model for them.

XI.    To teach my children tolerance, I will try not to judge, condemn, or find fault with others.

XII.   I will not give my children more than they should have, lest they become wasteful and demanding.

XIII.  I will teach my children to share and consider the needs and feelings of others so that they will become kind and generous people.

XIV.  I will teach my children that gentleness is not weakness and that they should share their feelings with those they love.

XV.   I will show my children that I love sons and daughters equally, and I will not condemn sexual love so that they may enjoy it when they are mature.

XVI.  I will teach my children that they will find happiness through giving love, not through seeking it.

I now that I cannot be a perfect parent, but in order to protect my children from emotional problems and help secure a happy life for them, I will always try to meet these needs.

Finally, I wish for my children to know that they are a joy to me, a gift of the universe.”

The late Dr. Robert Alan Webb

I challenge you to consider making resolutions this year that are specific about your parenting attitudes and actions.

Needs vs. Wants: A Christmas Challenge

01 Dec 2008
Parenting
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There are many stresses in the lives of parents these days.  Two are currently on a collision path.  The first stress is Christmas with the media emphasis on getting the right gifts for everyone.  The kids making out long lists of items they “just have to have”.  Letters are being written to Santa in hopes of getting everything just because they were “good” this year.  As a parent you see these lists, yet the second stressor of this season is the economy.  Should you spend your money on fulfilling your child’s wish list or should you stay on that budget?

I propose that now is the perfect opportunity to evaluate the “spending” values you want to share with your children.  In order to do this you need to decide what you think about money and the objects money can buy.

A simple paradigm to follow is to view items as needs verses wants.  For example food, clothing, shelter and love are needs, while the latest fashion, new cars, and the latest electronic gadgets are wants.

Let’s apply this to the Christmas wish list.

Step 1.  Read your child’s wish list.  Look for items you know they need.  Maybe a pair of jeans to replace the pair that has become too worn.

Step 2.  If you know of more need items write them on the list.

Step 3.  Total up what you are willing and able to spend on the “need” items.

Step 4.  Determine to stay within your budget.

Step 5.  Get at least one item from the wish list without going over your budget.

You can apply this needs vs. wants to vacation plans, to gift shopping, to grocery shopping and essentially every area in your life.  As you consistently do this it becomes a life long habit that you can pass down to your children.  In the process you will have also taught your children not to accumulate “stuff”.

The Addictive Power of Cutting

12 Nov 2008
General
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As parents we educate our children/teens about drugs and alcohol citing the addictive nightmares this can have on their lives.  But, are you aware that cutting oneself, eating disorders, porn, anxiety, virtual gaming, shopping and gambling can also be addictive and have similar results?

Cutting or self-injurious behavior is when a teen uses an object to cut on the skin in an attempt to draw blood.  There are many reasons why they may engage in this ritual.  They may feel hopeless, depressed or anxious.  Bullying, attention-seeking, wanting to punish someone or joining a peer group are also some of the reasons why cutting may start.

There are chat rooms which encourage kids to cut.  They explain in detail where to cut, the best instrument to use, the angle so as to not go too deep and how to get more blood to come out.  The problem here is that once a teen begins to cut as a form of emotional release or to numb out, it can become habit forming.

Developmentally, your teen is trying to figure out who they are and are leaning on their peer group more than you.  This is normal for them.  What is NOT normal is a group of friends that encourage cutting or other forms of self-injury.

I encourage you to get to now your child’s friends.  Be supportive and willing to talk about what is bothering them.  Watch your teen for signs of depression, anxiety, or cuts that can not be explained.  If you discover that your teen is cutting, take it seriously.  Many times the cutting becomes deeper resulting in an injury that may be life-threatening.

In all ways stay connected.

Drama…Drama…Drama……DEAD

19 Oct 2008
General
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Charlie Brown and Chris (According to Chris) have many thing in common.  Both are trying to navigate life amidst the drama of relationships at school and at home.  It is sad and exhausting to watch these “characters” try different ways to shed the drama only to be a target of criticism and ridicule with their peers.

Their sadness and lonliness is palpable and just when you think the depression will overcome these boys, the storyline changes and “life” becomes grand again.  Ah, such is the fantasy of TV-land.

In real life it appears that our kids are not so lucky.  Tweens and teens are hurting inside.  When they attempt to express their pain they can be labeled as “the drama queen/king” or “Emo”.  This drives the message into their thoughts that people don’t care, or they are not worth the bother or “again?”  This internalized pain with isolation and rejection can result in them becoming suicidal.

Here is a quick checklist for you/someone you know that might be at risk for suicide.

1.  They verbalize that they don’t want to live.

2.  They withdraw from friends and family.

3.  Eating or sleeping patterns change.

4.  They are experiencing relationship troubles more than usual.

5.  They don’t seem to care about their belongings and may even give them away.

6.  After a lot of turmoil there seems to be a sense of calm – almost peace – with them.  This could mean they are at peace with the decision to “off themselves”.

Get help now!  Today!  Take your friend, teen, tween or child to the nearest emergency room.  If you are thinking about suicide go to your school counselor, teacher, or principal.  Tell your parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, neighbor or pastor.  We want you alive!  We  want to support you in your life journey. We want to help you navigate through the pain to be happy and proud of yourself.