Natural Consequences

21 Sep 2008
Parenting
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It seems to be everywhere.  Whether I am shopping, sitting on the beach or in a restaurant, I see parents “struggling” with their children.  It could be a physical battle or a war of words.  The issues don’t matter.  It could be about wanting more candy, more privileges or just more than what the parent feels is good for the child/teen.

I sat on the beach a couple of weeks ago when the lifeguards put up the “do not go into the water” flag.  I was distracted by some yelling and looked to see a white haired pre-teen boy imploring his mom to let him swim.  He insisted that she was treating him like a baby.  She was just as adamant that he “obey” her.  She had told him no, but when he began arguing she switched to bribery and eventually to threatened loss of privileges.

As parents it is hard to find a balance between being permissive and controlling.  There are different styles that we tend to fall into.   The first style is the authoritarian parent.  This is the “obey me or else” or “do what I tell you to do”.  Using this style can result in a child learning external controls.  The second style is the indulgent parent.  These parents tend to be lenient and strives for the child’s approval.  These parents can’t seem to set clear boundaries.   The uninvolved parent really has no interest in parenting and tends to be irresponsible and neglectful.  The last parenting style is the authoritative parent.  These parents believe in natural consequences, and holding a child accountable for their own choices.  This teaches the child internal control.  I am partial to this particular style.

In the case of the pre-teen mom would have said “the lifeguards put the flag up to protect people.  The consequences of violating their rules could probably cost YOU a $100.00 fine.”  The focus is on the consequences of their choices.  The parent is instructive, informative and accountable in a way that conveys respect and love.

Second story.  When my oldest was 2 years old, he ran towards a very busy street.  Within nano seconds my mom adrenaline had kicked into full power and I had him by the straps of his Oshkosh overalls and yanked him to safety.  I could have let the natural consequences take their course (getting hit by a car) but, I decided to forgo this option.

Parenting with natural consequences does not mean letting your baby run into the street, not does it mean letting your child drive drunk.  It means that if a child breaks a toy he will replace it.  It means if your adolescent won’t do family chores she will pay for someone else to do them for her.  It means teaching your child about how the real world works and that there are consequences for the decisions we make.

The challenge

1.  Write out what type of parenting style you are currently using.

2.  Think about how this style will play out 5-10 years from now.

3.  Imagine what you want in terms of a relationship with your child.

4.  If you are off course with your dream parenting style, get back on.

5.  Share how you plan to apply the “natural consequence techniques”.

Morals anyone?

08 Aug 2008
Parenting
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It was a refreshing moment when I overheard my 18 year old daughter saying, “My motto is, keep your mind open and your morals set.”  I immediately tuned into this discussion of beliefs that these two young ladies had about themselves and their behaviors towards others.   For example they would not judge others for doing things they personally have decided not to do.

I started thinking about how we as parents pass down values and morals to our children.  Overall, I think it is about our attitudes towards ourselves and to others.   If we criticize others we could be planting a judging attitude or negative attitude towards people in general.

If you haven’t thought about the morals you want your children/teens to have it might be time to start.

Find a quiet place– free of distractions to do this assignment.

~ Think about what you want to pass onto your children in terms of right vs. wrong.

~ Write down your morals, your beliefs about yourself and others.  Focus on love, empathy, trust and concern for others.

~ Write down what these beliefs would look like when put into action.  For instance, let’s say  one of your neighbors is struggling with an illness.  What needs to be done for them?  Mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, pulling weeds, or planting flowers could help your child develop outward thinking rather than “me” thinking.

~ Begin living with intentionality.  In other words live your life according to what you have written down.  Your children watch how your words are acted out in real life.  So, walk the talk.

~ Talk with your children about your beliefs that cause you to act/restrict your actions to yourself or others.

Do not be afraid of upholding your morals.  As your children get older you can be a great resource for them as they grapple with their own issues.  And don’t be surprised to overhear your child state with authority their personal morals.

The Psychotherapist’s Pledge

10 Jul 2008
Parenting
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My friend Jonna’s husband wrote this pledge back in 1986 which I ascribe to.

As a psychotherapist, I am privileged to know many people in depth and to help them in their efforts to resolve their emotional problems and live more fully.  Often frightened, confused, and in great pain, those seeking my help must trust me to care about them and be able to provide the help which I offer.

To be worthy of their trust–

– I must be aware that psychotherapy is a relationship based on the love of one human being for another.

– I must try to empathize fully with my clients so that I may better understand their problems and know their pain.

– I will accept my clients totally without judging, finding fault, or condemning them for their mistakes and I will attempt to communicate with them in the clearest possible terms.

– I must always be aware that I may participate in my client’s struggles only as a teacher, guide, and friend, knowing that ultimately they must heal themselves.

– I will encourage all of my clients to be hopeful and treat all of them with kindness and respect.

– To inspire my client’s trust, I will never flatter or encourage them falsely and I will always speak the truth.  Though at times I must be firm, I will never be unkind.

– Realizing that a psychotherapist is in a very influentual position, I will guard against any desire to control others.

– I will make every effort to be aware of my own values as well as my shortcomings and try not to impose them on others.

– Realizing that my clients are vulnerable to me emotionally, I will avoid romantic or sexual involvement with them.

– I will respect my client’s right to privacy and never treat their confidences as my property.

– Though I may be paid for my services, my love is freely given and I will never alow payment to become more important than my desire to help others.

– I will always be aware of my client’s investment in their psychotherapy of time, money, and pain.  Within the constraints of doing it well, I will complete their therapy as soon as possible.

– Knowing that I may become an exemplar to many of my clients, I will always strive to be authentic and to achieve my highest level of personal growth.

– With an appreciation for the uniqueness of every human being, I will strive to help all my clients realize their own potential.

– Recognizing my need to understand the endless and beautiful complexity of human beings, I will dedicate myself to a lifelong study of humankind.

Though I cannot be perfect as a psychotherapist I will always be conscientious in my efforts, knowing that I am privileged to have helping others as a profession.

Robert Alan Webb, Ph.D  June, 1986

Have you written out a parent’s pledge?

Have you made a pledge to yourself, on behalf of yourself?

I challenge you to do these 2 simple exercises and then evaluate how you feel or think about yourself.

Choosing the Right Therapist

22 Jun 2008
General
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When entrusting the care of your child to a helping professional, you have a right to know the provider’s qualifications.

There are many modalities (styles) of play therapy, special ways of working with children and teens.  Most  therapists who specialize in working with kids have some skill in several modalities and great skill with at least one modality.  Children do not usually have the vocabulary to communicate their inner feelings. This is very important. Toys are the words, and play is the language, that a child uses. A trained and experienced counselor understands this language of play and can help. Here are some specific questions to ask about the counselor and about the kind of play therapy the counselor will be doing.

  • What special training do you have in the area of child or teen counseling?
  • Which style(s) of play therapy do you have supervised training and experience using?
  • How many clinical hours of supervised child, teen or play therapy counseling do you have?
  • As a parent, am I welcome in the room during the play therapy session?
  • What style of play therapy would you use to help my child?

Finding the right therapist is an important step in the healing and growth process.